It’s been almost two years since I’ve posted, and we, and I, have progressed through many seasons of life that have impacted my writing. I endured and then left a challenging workplace that had become all-consuming, both mentally and physically. I took a break from working altogether to disengage and recuperate, which did me much good. I started a new job. Covid continued to take its toll on all of us but also became something we’ve had to start learning to live with. And finally, I got pregnant and Shaan and I welcomed our sweet girl Kaya to this world four months ago.

Throughout all these different seasons, my mom has been on mind in all kinds of ways. The reality is that grief is such a roller coaster, and it evolves based on the current circumstances. During some periods, I relish in beautiful memories and find myself more capable of focusing on the joy that thinking about my mom brings me. During others, I struggle more with deep pain and longing. For the past four months, it has been an intense mix of both experiences, which brings me to write this post today.

The days and months since I got pregnant, and then since Kaya entered my world, have been truly overwhelming. Indeed, becoming a mom without my mom to guide and support me has been so emotionally trying that the words I write will fail to do any kind of justice to my emotions. For the first couple months, I was struggling a lot without her practical help, knowing that she would’ve taken care of every meal and overseen the housework. More recently, as I’ve gotten better at doing those things, I’ve more missed her help with Kaya, wondering what she’d be like as Kaya’s Nani (maternal grandmother, in Hindi). By far, this is the biggest life change I have gone through without her and I feel it every day.

While this change has been really difficult for these reasons, though, it has also been the most poignant and beautiful one. I feel incredibly blessed to have become a mother and finally understand what others mean when they say parenting is the most special experience in their life. Having a child is such a gift; Kaya brings such joy and warmth into our lives. On top of this, her coming into my world has also given me even more admiration for my mom.

The roller coaster of emotion began in the early days of my pregnancy, before we knew whether the baby was a boy or a girl. Though I didn’t say it, I felt a bit of trepidation about having a girl. Silly as it may sound, I worried that if I had a girl it would somehow threaten or diminish the mother-daughter relationship I’d built with my mom and now so dearly treasure the memory of. I also worried that if I had a daughter, somehow I might not desire to have as special a relationship with her because of this fear that it would take away from what I have with my mom.

As my pregnancy progressed and we learned we were having a girl, this sentiment naturally lifted. And now that Kaya is here, I can see that my worry was not only unfounded, but in fact the reverse is true; having a daughter only makes me feel closer to my mom.

Sometimes when I hold Kaya as she sleeps, I’ve found myself thinking about how my mom would’ve done the same for me some thirty plus years ago. It’s striking to fathom; pre-Kaya, I never processed what it would’ve been like for my mom to care for me as a baby. I simply couldn’t understand what it meant; I have no memories of the sort and therefore could only really make sense of her being Mom to me when I was older. So it’s been really special to start raising a baby and experience all these special moments – be it holding Kaya, feeding her, changing her, soothing her – and for the first time in my life, be able to appreciate that my mom experienced this with me.

Just as my heart melts a little each time Kaya smiles a wide grin after she wakes from a nap and sees me, I know my mom’s would’ve too when I gave her a sweet smile. Just as I feel a sense of serenity when Kaya quietly falls asleep on me, I think she would’ve too when I fell asleep on her. Just as I give thanks to God every day for my little baby, I know she would’ve prayed the same gratitude for me. All these things I feel for and experience with my daughter, I don’t doubt she felt and experienced too.

It’s both heartwarming and surreal for me to think about, and is apparent to me now that the strong bond I feel with my mom started with this sweet foundation and has only grown since. It’s a blessing to be able to understand this now.

Another way Kaya helps me feel close to my mom is via the realization that Kaya is 25% my mom in her make up. You might think, surely it feels more impactful that I am 50% her? But in fact that’s not the case – it feels more tangible to be able to see my mom in someone else, in my baby. It makes me love and feel connected to my little girl all the more, as my mom has contributed to her and made her who she is.

On top of this, I’ve also been awestruck by the experiences of being pregnant, giving birth, and being able to sustain my baby’s life. Truly, I have a newfound appreciation for the wonders of the human body and what it’s capable of. On the one hand, having a baby is so ordinary in the grander scheme of things – there are hundreds of thousands of babies born every day, and almost 50% of the world will experience giving and sustaining life. But it’s a miracle and its sheer frequency shouldn’t diminish that. I am grateful to have gotten to experience it, and I am grateful to be able to relate to my mom in knowing she experienced this as well.

Through parenting, another thing I’m starting to able to better understand is the sheer amount of time, effort, and sacrifice that my mom put into raising Sanam, Nikhil, and me. I kept telling people during Kaya’s first three months that one of the most striking things about entering motherhood is how much work it is. Just constant, round the clock care. When I was pregnant, people used to joke, wait till the real work begins!, and while I found it annoying then, now I understand what they meant. With a baby, truly one’s personal freedoms go out the window. Going to the toilet, taking a shower, having a meal, sleeping – these all become luxuries. Let alone writing a blog post, which has taken me weeks!

Raising one baby is an incredible feat, let alone three. How impressive then that my mom used to do things like travel with three of us on international plane rides on her own (while my dad was working), when I can’t even imagine flying on my own with just one baby! It’s quite amazing what she took on and I admire her all the more.

As special as all this is, the painful reality is that Kaya won’t get a chance to meet my mom on this earth, which is tough to swallow. This first dawned on me the day after Shaan and I announced our pregnancy to our family. I told Shaan it made me really sad that my mom wouldn’t feel so relevant to our baby, especially when she’s so relevant and important to me.

While this is a difficult one for me, I have also developed a sense of hope when I think about how much love I feel for my mom’s younger brother, Sanjay Mama, who I never met but have always felt connected to. My mom’s love for him always felt so tangible in the way she talked about him, and I turn I got to know him and love him myself.

Similarly, I can help Kaya get to know and love my mom too. I’ve already seen Sanam foster a connection between Aara, Liana, and my mom; for instance, on their most recent trip here, Aara was wearing my mom’s tops as dresses and excitedly prancing around saying she was wearing Nani’s clothes. And on my mom’s birthday each year, Sanam and the girls go for high tea and celebrate my mom.

I have already started traditions with Kaya that my mom did with me, like singing “This is the Day” (see a reminder of what this is in my previous post) to her every day before bedtime. It’s been weighing on my heart to start praying with Kaya every evening before bedtime too, like my mom did with me. She may not understand what these things mean yet, but she will in time.

It’s time I conclude this post before Kaya wakes, but I have a few parting thoughts to share:

First is that while it’s been really hard without my mom here, and will continue to be, I’ve gotten a lot of help from the rest of my family and am incredibly grateful for this. Sanam flew over from Hong Kong and set up everything baby-related for us, helped me navigate through those especially overwhelming first few days and weeks of becoming a mother, and stocked our fridge for this period as well. And my dad is always on hand to play with Kaya or calm her, plus he cooks for us a couple times a week. And Nikhil continues to provide encouragement and understanding.

Finally most obviously but notably, Shaan, who is my rock and co-captain in parenting, has provided endless support across all facets.

Second is actually an ask to all of you who know my mom. And that’s to keep talking about her. Not in a big way – just in the natural, small ways we all regularly talk about each other.

There’s a music lyric by Macklemore that Sanam shared recently about how you’re alive till the last time someone says your name. I couldn’t agree more. Every time someone mentions my mom, it lights me up inside. It makes me feel like she’s close. Now I’d ask you to keep her alive and close not just for me, but for Kaya too.

In time, Kaya will come to know and love her beautiful Nani – and what a blessing that will be. Kaya will also realize how special she is not only because of her sweetness, but also because she’s helped me to feel all the more connected to my mom.

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Thank you to my sweet girl for taking your longest nap in months – yes, genuinely – so I finish this post just in time. You didn’t even know your Nani’s birthday is tomorrow and that after working on this post for weeks, I was wanting to get it done by then. Or maybe you did.

Happy birthday Mama. I love you always.